Tindertot Rastleknot and the Ferocious Tiger , Or: How I got my Yellow Shoes

People are always asking me questions. Like oh, how did you find those nice yellow shoes? And I'll say, well funny story.

...

I was in a field, vast and large. And here I am, and I was trying to catch a goat to milk. And then swoosh! Out of no where the night turned dim as an eclipse! I looked up and a giant winged bird was there and it licked its lips! And it spoke in my mind and shot a ray beam into my head or something. All I heard was GOATS. So this 'goatsucker' swooped down and sucked all the skin off this billy. But it was totally fine without its skin. UNMOVED. "I was quite impressed, I would be rather peeved if I had all my skin sucked off. Probably itches, right?

Hold on! I have another Half Hour!

So where was I? Oh, right! Saving a girl from a burning barn! 15, no 16! Goblins popped out of the bushes, snarling, probably having something stuck to the roofs of their mouths. I ate a nasty butter once, stuck to roof of mouth, water Where was I? So the goatsucker swooped down, and attacked the goat. The goat was unmoved, but then it said "On, no!" in goat talk. So it bawed or something, but then the goatsucker tried to suck me! I guess I looked like a goat, which is rude. I have a rather charming face. Or so I like to think. But I wasn't having any of that. I knew where a hive of monkey-bees were. Their natural enemies. So there I was, bam! The girl in my arms, and fire everywhere! The seventeen goblins were hounding me, throwing flaming wood at me! I rolled fifteen, maybe even fifty feet. And the nineteen goblin brothers came hauling after me.

Hold on a moment.

As I saying, I found the ripest monkey-bee nest I could. So I whipped a bunch of rocks at it. Good thing I had my trusty net with me, I caught them all in one, er well okay, I exaggerated, two swoops. And I then I waited. In the still of the night. And then I heard it go CRACRACRCARCRACACRACRA. That's how they sound you know. So there I was, goatsucker, kender. The battle of uhm, well, the whole night. And it was intense, the monkey-bees howling above!

Sooo many interruptions, I'm almost done!

Right, right, so there I was. Rolling, all on fire with the girl in my arms. It was crazy, and I didn't think I'd make it out alive! Oh, no, no. She was safely in my arms, though. I'm a good hero like that. Unfortunately, not the luckiest. I rolled into a lion and bear den. I guess over time they learned to live together. But they hated two leggers like myself. It was rather unfair. I'm sure they would have liked me if they didn't all of the sudden roar and start attacking me. So I was forced to head butt.

What's that? Tigers?

Oh the tiger is in the goatsucker got away. I'm telling of the twenty six goblin brothers right now. Pay attention.

After many a head butt, and it did hurt my head, a lot. I felled all the beasts. Well, not felled, but knocked out. But, dun, dun, dun! The thirty one goblin brothers swarmed the cave. So it was me, flame bitten, and girl in my arms. And I had to fight them all. They lunged like hungry hippos! I beat them pretty easily, though. Goblins aren't very challenging. They rated pretty low in the monster field guide I have. Then, the girl came up with an idea. I threw her to the cave roof, and I whipped out my hoopak and with one stone, -one-, felled all forty-six goblins.

I'm almost done. Sheesh. Now where was I..?

Oh right. So there I was, goatsucker versus Kender. And he came at me CAWGAGAGAGA! And I whipped my net at it. They monkey bees swarmed it. But the goatsucker didn't have any of that!He used a weird mind force field, I think, and blasted them all away. And then he said to me via brain link, "I'm going to burn this farm!" Those poor farmers I thought!

No no. I haven't got there yet! Good grief. Listen, my good chap.

Anyway, I ran faster than I ever have, almost on top of each grass bladed tip! I reached the farm before the goatsucker, and I got most of the family out. They thanked me with cakes. But I had no time for cake! Though I could really use one now. ::Rubs stomach:: Oh right, but then the goatsucker grew the ability to throw up fire. And did! The fire raged, and I heard a girl scream, but I saw in the house of the family the neatest little yellow shoes. So I picked them up, as I ran so fast my old shoes burned off. I saved the girl you see, but thats a tale for another time! That's how I got my yellow shoes. Ive had them ever since.

...

Neat, huh? What? Worst story you ever heard?

That's awful!